Been MIA for almost a month.. It has been a quite a busy weeks for me lately – Both work & personal. Again I was assigned to couple of projects & me been a Virgo, has the habit on want to get things done the best of it.
Anyway I’m not here today to discuss on my work. Personally there’s couple of things bothering me… 1st is my family.. Especially my mum… Well she hasn’t been doing & taking that well ever since I’ve left to State.. Though she never said this before, but everyone knows she dotes me the most among my siblings.. She had suffered a lot for me ever since I was born & me too love my mum a lot.. If not for her, I won’t be here today typing these words..
Recently mum has been calling me a lot.. Although she sound as usual… Calling to check things out on my side.. & every time I would say everything is doing great on my side… Even though I in some deep shit, wouldn’t wanna let her worry for me. She has been worried for me for so many donkeys’ years.. Beside I personally feel mature enough to handle whatever issues come to my lap..
Couple of days ago she called again.. Initially she sound fine & was telling me about sending $$ to her account instead of my bro.. Right after that, she started telling me what kind of shit my bro has been up to &…. Started crying.. Saying stuffs like “ You all are my sons.. Feel so hurt to see you guys doing such things”… At that moment.. I felt my heartaches.. Very aching.. Then she mentioned that that stuff (If you know what I mean) has come back recently to haunt her again.. The last time it happens was about 2 years back & she has not been mentality that stable ever since. Well depends on your level of acceptance, I would rather believe her that she been haunted by that stuff then sending her to a Mental Hospi..
I’ve let her continue her stories for about 10 min before me saying or making any comments.. Told her that she think too much.. True we are her sons & of course it hurting to see your child doing something against law of human moral.. But think again, this is life which is not as simple as math where 1 + 1 = 2.. Sometime you just don’t get what you deserved.. If you know done your best & things still doesn’t work out as planned – Then sorry to say too bad but hey, you gave your very best effort & that the most important of all.. (well that’s for me!!) Beside you give us life & now we are – Grownup man. We decided our path & live that we want to be. You can’t decide or help us forever – Neither can we do that for you too.. You know you gave your best & I know you gave your all effort possible. That good enough & grateful for me to have such a mum like you.
Ok, the last sentence – I didn’t said that to her.. But I hope she knows that. To be frank & if there’s such things like karma & god, I would pray to have her as my mum again or me been her parent to repay her what she given me. I know in this life, I can’t repay & never had been a filial son enough.. Hope god would give me another chance to give her back something to her.
After the conversation, it really kept me thinking of going back.. The feeling of unable to do anything while we are couple thousands miles apart is really annoying.. All I could do is get my pal J, to buy some Chicken ginseng (Is that what you call? Cant remb..) & Sent it to her on my behalf. Hope this will cheer her up – abit…
This year alone, I’ve been thinking of going back. The idea of heading back home is always around my mind.. But the urge has never been so strong.. My initial plans are to go back next year.. But maybe I will ask for a special request from my company to work from Singapore temp.. You know work from home…
Though I’ve ever though such situation before but was hoping it will never happened to me – I would really hate & kill myself if one fine great day, my parents passed away while I not with them at the death-bed… I heard one of my colleague have this experienced before & he regret it totally.. I jolly know I will be too & was praying this would never happened to me. But have to say, although I afraid such incident will happen; I’ve never done anything about it.. Typical Singaporean.. For those who might not know, it is very hard decision for me to come State. Afraid that I might fail badly or even survived in this alien country.. But to think of going back Singapore – I freaking scare.. Sorry, have no idea how am I going to explain this to you.. Maybe you will understand my feeling if you are in the same shoe as I am.
Yes I admit, I actually using this excuse right now to bring my ass back home.. Cos never once did I enjoy my stay here.. No offense to American. No I never regret coming over here.. But State is just not for me.. Different cultures, way of lives & etc….
But have to say, now be really a bad timing.. Just joined this new dept not very long. (Coming to 5 months to be exact) & only recently I just started to prove my worth in the group.. & beside I didn’t manage to have much saving after been here for so long & really was hoping to save up abit before going back… Then again – there will or might never be a good timing.. I donno.. Really lost over here.. On one side – I’m trying to be professional enough not to let it affect my work (Which I think I did pretty decent enough) & on another hand, kept thinking what should I do? Any advise for me?
My performance review is this coming Thursday & somehow I believe it not going to be a good one. Firstly I just joined this group. 2nd, based on the recent comments from my so call manager – She has been praising about my work only these couple of weeks or past 1 month.. The review is going to be conducted by my senior director & still considering of bringing it up this matter to her.. Sigh.. I once said this over my MSN – “Who the Fuck invent $$$?!!??” To me, $$ is the root cause of all good & evil.. Anyway… I’m praying my review will at very least decent one.. Then maybe it will be easier for me to ask any request in returns.. Pray for me guys..
